There comes a time in life where, I reckon for some anyway, you can't but help think about death.
I'm certain people are obsessed with it and certainly many have contemplated it at a young age. If they didn't we wouldn't have teenage suicide.
I've never been one to confront mortality but as I enter my 40s, it's finding its way into the back of my mind.
It's probably why the news today of her dying shocks me so. A mutual friend from years back informed me. I hadn't her in over 25 years, yet she never strayed far from my memory. Her hold on me reached deep into my existence it turned out.
I was sad. Profoundly sad. I felt as though a piece of my youth died an unexpected death. It was like losing someone close to my heart despite not uttering a single word to her in so long a time. A generation has passed when one wants to be technical about it.
I had to see her.
The decision was made to do so that morning. It wasn't going to be easy as I didn't want to intrude on the family. My plan was simple. Go to the hospital and wait right until visiting hours over. Even then, family members were likely to linger or sleep somewhere in the ward. I know not of her husband and made up my mind I shall take a chance. No harm in going. If my naive plan didn't unfold as calculated, and believe me I knew the probabilities were against me, all I had to do was recede and disappear into the night. After all, I may as well have been a ghost.
On the drive over, my sorrow only grew. My sense of personal mortality heightened. I thought of our brief love for one another once long ago. Teenagers but we were. I wished I had had kept that key chain she bought me for my birthday. She probably forgot what day that is.
Entering the hospital it felt like going into a Cathedral. I felt a sense of calmness I never really felt in my nerve, wrecked life. I asked the front desk where I could find her. "Room 201" the nurse said.
Room 201 was where we met in junior high. I still remember the day well. God I really did love her that much!
I observed in quiet silence and watched her parents leave. Her husband left with them. I watched them go to into the elevator. This gave me a few moments to go in and see her.
For a moment, I questioned my decision. I was uncertain if this was a selfish move on my part. But something gently pushed me forward. Perhaps an angel.
Conscience of my small window of time, I approached the bed. Her eyes were closed. Sensing someone coming in she opened them.
Of course, you can imagine the shock. She didn't need to speak really. I saw it in her eyes.
"Top of the morning. I'm Alex."
Those were the exact words I said to her in Room 201.
She responded as she did that very same day. "Hello. I know."
"There's so much I want to say. Unfortunately, my mere presence will have to do."
"It's ok. I'm happy you came. You've been on my mind all these years."
My knees buckled under me.
I took her hand and caressed it.
"Not a day went by where I didn't think of you. I just wanted to see you."
"It's funny. I prayed for you to come."
"You were my girlfriend not so long ago."
"Reach over in that bag. In the side pocket..."
I wasn't sure what I was looking for, however, she let me continue as if she knew what I was going to find. There it was. My favorite handkerchief! I had given it to her one of those soft, lazy autumn days. I was known around school for wearing 'chiefs as I called them.
It was engraved with the initials A.L.. As I stared at it, trying to contain my emotions, I noticed something else was embroidered on it.
She had added her own initials!
"I did only four years ago."
"I-I...This is..."
"I can't believe it too."
It was a revelation so great it created an inner chaos of magnificent disorder. I could only look at her. I took one last moment to remember the first time I saw her.
Then.
It was time to go.
I kissed her on the lips softly and whispered in her ear, "I love you."
The tears rushed down her cheek with the force of a mighty river. I reached for a tissue and wiped her tears.
"Please. Don't cry. It wasn't my intention."
"I have so much I want to tell you."
"Save your energy for your family. God bless you."
And with that, I reluctantly turned away.
"Alex?"
I stopped and looked back.
"Yes?"
"I love you too. I've been dying..."
She laughs.
"Dying to say that for a long time."
I gave a serene smile, turned and walked away.
It was the same angel giving me the strength to keep walking. Half way down the hall her husband walked past me.
I continued on.
Like a ghost.
For E.F.
I'm certain people are obsessed with it and certainly many have contemplated it at a young age. If they didn't we wouldn't have teenage suicide.
I've never been one to confront mortality but as I enter my 40s, it's finding its way into the back of my mind.
It's probably why the news today of her dying shocks me so. A mutual friend from years back informed me. I hadn't her in over 25 years, yet she never strayed far from my memory. Her hold on me reached deep into my existence it turned out.
I was sad. Profoundly sad. I felt as though a piece of my youth died an unexpected death. It was like losing someone close to my heart despite not uttering a single word to her in so long a time. A generation has passed when one wants to be technical about it.
I had to see her.
The decision was made to do so that morning. It wasn't going to be easy as I didn't want to intrude on the family. My plan was simple. Go to the hospital and wait right until visiting hours over. Even then, family members were likely to linger or sleep somewhere in the ward. I know not of her husband and made up my mind I shall take a chance. No harm in going. If my naive plan didn't unfold as calculated, and believe me I knew the probabilities were against me, all I had to do was recede and disappear into the night. After all, I may as well have been a ghost.
On the drive over, my sorrow only grew. My sense of personal mortality heightened. I thought of our brief love for one another once long ago. Teenagers but we were. I wished I had had kept that key chain she bought me for my birthday. She probably forgot what day that is.
Entering the hospital it felt like going into a Cathedral. I felt a sense of calmness I never really felt in my nerve, wrecked life. I asked the front desk where I could find her. "Room 201" the nurse said.
Room 201 was where we met in junior high. I still remember the day well. God I really did love her that much!
I observed in quiet silence and watched her parents leave. Her husband left with them. I watched them go to into the elevator. This gave me a few moments to go in and see her.
For a moment, I questioned my decision. I was uncertain if this was a selfish move on my part. But something gently pushed me forward. Perhaps an angel.
Conscience of my small window of time, I approached the bed. Her eyes were closed. Sensing someone coming in she opened them.
Of course, you can imagine the shock. She didn't need to speak really. I saw it in her eyes.
"Top of the morning. I'm Alex."
Those were the exact words I said to her in Room 201.
She responded as she did that very same day. "Hello. I know."
"There's so much I want to say. Unfortunately, my mere presence will have to do."
"It's ok. I'm happy you came. You've been on my mind all these years."
My knees buckled under me.
I took her hand and caressed it.
"Not a day went by where I didn't think of you. I just wanted to see you."
"It's funny. I prayed for you to come."
"You were my girlfriend not so long ago."
"Reach over in that bag. In the side pocket..."
I wasn't sure what I was looking for, however, she let me continue as if she knew what I was going to find. There it was. My favorite handkerchief! I had given it to her one of those soft, lazy autumn days. I was known around school for wearing 'chiefs as I called them.
It was engraved with the initials A.L.. As I stared at it, trying to contain my emotions, I noticed something else was embroidered on it.
She had added her own initials!
"I did only four years ago."
"I-I...This is..."
"I can't believe it too."
It was a revelation so great it created an inner chaos of magnificent disorder. I could only look at her. I took one last moment to remember the first time I saw her.
Then.
It was time to go.
I kissed her on the lips softly and whispered in her ear, "I love you."
The tears rushed down her cheek with the force of a mighty river. I reached for a tissue and wiped her tears.
"Please. Don't cry. It wasn't my intention."
"I have so much I want to tell you."
"Save your energy for your family. God bless you."
And with that, I reluctantly turned away.
"Alex?"
I stopped and looked back.
"Yes?"
"I love you too. I've been dying..."
She laughs.
"Dying to say that for a long time."
I gave a serene smile, turned and walked away.
It was the same angel giving me the strength to keep walking. Half way down the hall her husband walked past me.
I continued on.
Like a ghost.
For E.F.
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