Closure

There comes a time in life where, I reckon for some anyway, you can't but help think about death.

I'm certain people are obsessed with it and certainly many have contemplated it at a young age. If they didn't we wouldn't have teenage suicide.

I've never been one to confront mortality but as I enter my 40s, it's finding its way into the back of my mind.

It's probably why the news today of her dying shocks me so. A mutual friend from years back informed me. I hadn't her in over 25 years, yet she never strayed far from my memory. Her hold on me reached deep into my existence it turned out.

I was sad. Profoundly sad. I felt as though a piece of my youth died an unexpected death. It was like losing someone close to my heart despite not uttering a single word to her in so long a time. A generation has passed when one wants to be technical about it.

I had to see her.

The decision was made to do so that morning. It wasn't going to be easy as I didn't want to intrude on the family. My plan was simple. Go to the hospital and wait right until visiting hours over. Even then, family members were likely to linger or sleep somewhere in the ward. I know not of her husband and made up my mind I shall take a chance. No harm in going. If my naive plan didn't unfold as calculated, and believe me I knew the probabilities were against me, all I had to do was recede and disappear into the night. After all, I may as well have been a ghost.

On the drive over, my sorrow only grew. My sense of personal mortality heightened. I thought of our brief love for one another once long ago. Teenagers but we were. I wished I had had kept that key chain she bought me for my birthday. She probably forgot what day that is.

Entering the hospital it felt like going into a Cathedral. I felt a sense of calmness I never really felt in my nerve, wrecked life. I asked the front desk where I could find her. "Room 201" the nurse said.

Room 201 was where we met in junior high. I still remember the day well. God I really did love her that much!

I observed in quiet silence and watched her parents leave. Her husband left with them. I watched them go to into the elevator. This gave me a few moments to go in and see her.

For a moment, I questioned my decision. I was uncertain if this was a selfish move on my part. But something gently pushed me forward. Perhaps an angel.

Conscience of my small window of time, I approached the bed. Her eyes were closed. Sensing someone coming in she opened them.

Of course, you can imagine the shock. She didn't need to speak really. I saw it in her eyes.

"Top of the morning. I'm Alex."

Those were the exact words I said to her in Room 201.

She responded as she did that very same day. "Hello. I know."

"There's so much I want to say. Unfortunately, my mere presence will have to do."

"It's ok. I'm happy you came. You've been on my mind all these years."

My knees buckled under me.

I took her hand and caressed it.

"Not a day went by where I didn't think of you. I just wanted to see you."

"It's funny. I prayed for you to come."

"You were my girlfriend not so long ago."

"Reach over in that bag. In the side pocket..."

I wasn't sure what I was looking for, however, she let me continue as if she knew what I was going to find. There it was. My favorite handkerchief! I had given it to her one of those soft, lazy autumn days.  I was known around school for wearing 'chiefs as I called them.

It was engraved with the initials A.L.. As I stared at it, trying to contain my emotions, I noticed something else was embroidered on it.

She had added her own initials!

"I did only four years ago."

"I-I...This is..."

"I can't believe it too."

It was a revelation so great it created an inner chaos of magnificent disorder. I could only look at her. I took one last moment to remember the first time I saw her.

Then.

It was time to go.

I kissed her on the lips softly and whispered in her ear, "I love you."

The tears rushed down her cheek with the force of a mighty river. I reached for a tissue and wiped her tears.

"Please. Don't cry. It wasn't my intention."

"I have so much I want to tell you."

"Save your energy for your family. God bless you."

And with that, I reluctantly turned away.

"Alex?"

I stopped and looked back.

"Yes?"

"I love you too. I've been dying..."

She laughs.

"Dying to say that for a long time."

I gave a serene smile, turned and walked away.

It was the same angel giving me the strength to keep walking. Half way down the hall her husband walked past me.

I continued on.

Like a ghost.

For E.F.

No Closure

Just an imagine letter or conversation to a past loved. It's still unclear where I want it to go but it's a first draft, no editing. I plan to add and adjust to this ode of sorts moving forward.

***

What happened? Really. One minute we're mad in love with each other and the next thing I know 23 years have come and gone without you. Does the lack of closure bother you at all?

I've been reduced to intermittent abstract thoughts of you while wondering, perhaps even hoping, if you did the same.

Something tells me you did and still do.

Yet. Yet here we are. Married to other people with children. I don't doubt happiness is found. Fulfillment is another thing I reckon.

Why get into that? What's the point?

If it were meant to be, then somehow we would have found a way to fall into our respective arms; even with my bad shoulder. Fate, I presume, maintains its presence.

I don't expect anything to be discovered and been resolved to accept the fact there will be no closure to whatever the fuck it was we had.

All I know is my heart never ached like it did during the years I courted you. Never has so much personal energy been expunged into a girl for me. What makes it all the more absurd is it amounted to precious little. We exchanged, what, one kiss on the lips and four slow dances at each other's proms and two parties?

Those pitiful actions are completely disproportionate to how much I loved you.

Or was it love? I don't know.

Our relationship was one big fucking non-sequitur.

Remember that day in the alley at school?

Was it immaturity? Did I misread any signals? Was it already decided for you back then and I failed to compute or even accept it?

Me? How am I? I just went on to College and semi-conformed to social norms. I've been waging my own private war ever since. Life, she's a can of distortion.

Oh. I just found out, because it's a small town, you attended the same university. Imagine that. I saw, met and bumped into many people in four years (about 1400 days) of "education" but you weren't one of them.

Oddly, the impact you had on my soul suggests we spent every single day together.

Ghostly romance I would call it.

Please don't take my tone wrong. I'm just absolutely disoriented about it all as I cross the Rubicon into my 40s.

I've had three impassioned poems written for me by three different ladies. Plato was no fan of the "imitative tribe" as he called poets, but it proved my existence sufficiently. Imagine if I slept with any of them! Even more strange, I never physically met one of the three.

I was lucky to be in three meaningful relationships and still miss some of the girls that have passed through my arms. There was a cool, hipster chapter in my life. Of course, the amorous escapades culminated into my lovely, charismatic and brilliant wife who has put up with my antics. Nonetheless, I never got used to such a sedentary life. My daughter is rather prococious. I hope I can help her along her own path.

I spent the first 30 years of my life mocking and facing it with satirical indifference, it in turn giggled as it delivered a dash of devilish sinking knuckle balls my way.

I saved. I fucked. I partied. I played sports. I met rock stars. Got published. Started a business. Spent time and chatted with characters meant for Lou Reed and Tom Waits. Opportunities were missed and money lost in the market. Debts swelled. Money to be made once more.

You never strayed too far away. I accepted it wasn't to be. I think.

Just another night on the town as I stand here playing the saxophone on the corner of De Blois and Mallard streets wearing a Dodgers cap.

You know.

I saw you once. I know you saw me see you. I saw your face. That look. It suggested to me you haven't forgotten. Emotions, I want to believe, continue to stir.

Or maybe I'm mistaken and being a tad narcissistic. What with the poetry going to my head.

I can't tell! Time has dulled blurred my Bat-pragmatic senses. It's not like we gave each other a chance.

Either way, I couldn't bring myself to talk to you. All that "meet our spouses" crap. Not for me, man. Hey, just thought of something. I threw away the key chain you got me in junior high. I was an impulsive feller.

Truth is, if you have to know Emily, I still cling to that moment when I saw you at my surprise  sixteenth party.

An instant beginning and ending of a possible promise descending into a deep trench of what ifs.

I have no clue what's in the cards or if any of this has any rational explanation waiting.

I just know I don't know.