In the spirit of that old saying "it seemed a good idea at the time," Jerry looked down at the right side of his body where his arm once was a part of. Nodding his head he muttered to himself, "damn motherfuckers."
See, as the story was relayed to me Jerry, in an act of desperate depravity, gave away his right arm, literally, to go watch his favorite team play a live hockey game.
He scored a ticket off an Estonian scalper who happened to work for the 'Pig' mob in the market for body parts.
Spotting a dumb fucking idiot like Jerry, he made him an offer that Jerry wasn't likely to refuse. They went into the Estonian's van and proceeded to make the transaction. Jerry's right arm for a hockey ticket. "Deal of the century!" he giggled. Two people, a doctor and a female, other than Jerry were in the van. The scalper stood outside looking out for, you know, cops.
Jerry noticed the doctor smoking and nervously inquired, "will second hand smoke kill me?" The doctor laughed mightily and slapped his thigh. "You! Funny!" as he took a massive puff. "It's medicinal."
All the while, his partner sat quietly looking at his watch. She soon broke his silence. "Rod. We're running behind." "Quit hounding me, Lolina." "What's taking so long? Just cut it already."
Rod was transfixed by Jerry's arm for some reason. "It's so soft. Yet, firm. I can't keep my hands off it." "We have a job to do!" Just as she said it, the Estonian scalper pounded the door. "You have arm? Yes?"
"Not yet, Vasily. Hang on." "Give me arm!" he shouted while sipping a cup of hot chocolate.
Jerry observed all that was going on and began to have doubts. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea. I mean, God gave us two arms for a reason, right?" "Yes, he did" replied the doctor. "For you to change hands each time you jack off." "I want out!" Jerry whimpered. "Now, now" Lolina interjected. "You came to us, remembered? Are you forgetting how badly you wanted to see your favorited team played? Imagine all those men...skating...and walking arounded naked at the ended of the game in the lockered roooooomed..."
Jerry said, "Fuck you're annoying how you talk."
"Lolina! Get a hold of yourself you whore!" Rod exclaimed.
"Jerry. A deal is a deal. You're not a squelcher, right?"
"No" he replied. "I do like hockey."
"Sure you do. I'm just gonna administer some "fun-feel-good" syrup in you, Rod will saw off your arm, and we can all move on with our lives."
"Some better than others" Rod said in a low, hush tones as they both snickered.
Soon, Jerry was sedated and only remembers sitting in the nosebleed section watching his team get pulverized by their opponents. "I don't like hockey so much anymore."
He waltzed out of the arena, looking every bit the chooch he is, dejected. He heard a kid crying, "I'd give my right arm" for a jersey.
He grabbed the kid and said while tearing as though he was cutting an onion, "don't do it, kid! It ain't worth it!"
"Let go of my kid, creep!" the father shouted.
"I will when you start being a father! See, see here? See this? I gave my right arm to the team! And what did I get for it?" The father and his son looked away in horror. One onlooker stood and laughed. He said, "Here's a hot-dog, guy."
Jerry took the hot-dog but it slipped through his left hand. He fell to his knees screaming, "Oh, I'm right handed! What have I become!"
He was taken home by the police that night and the rest was history. The team he so loved didn't even offer him a sock. Nothing.
Stirring a cup of tea in the morning, Jerry recognized the folly of his decision. He turned the TV on and so his beloved team on the news.
He raised his left arm and stared at it.
