An Embrace To Infinity

I came across a picture of her in the papers today. Memories of a time long gone; never to return came back like a flood furiously unleashing itself into my mind. A long-distant relationship that was, as it turns out, never to be.

A single picture came with it the realization after our week-end together in Toronto we never saw each other again despite professing our love for one another.

I still remember it. I asked earlier while driving off on the day we were to go our separate ways - her to western Canada and me back east - whether what we were experiencing was love.

She, in her typical conservative and defensive style, just gave me a lovely demurred smile. I didn't know what to make of it. After stopping for gas and jumping back into the car she gave her answer. 'I think I do love you. I love you.'

One would think this was to be the beginning of a wonderful relationship. Yet, after I got home I never heard from her again. She would not respond to my letters or my phone calls. It's almost as if she put it in her head that it wasn't going to work out because of the distance and that cutting me off cold was the best way to deal with it. I declared I would move out west for her and this probably simply scared her for some reason. I felt in my heart this is why she did it.

Ours was truly a special bond. I think they call this 'soul mates' but I have no idea if this was it. But it sure felt as though it was.

We first met in Montreal. I was heading to dinner with a couple of buddies and she was in town with her friends. My friend, never one to let a heard of gals pass him by, simply struck up a conversation with them. While he did this she and I stood in the background silent observing one another. I was smitten in a most docile manner. Who was this girl roping me in with an invisible lasso?

We agreed to all meet after dinner at a club. We spent the night clubbing and eventually hit up an after hours cafe that kept us in conversation until 5am.

Later that day we spent the afternoon together and all we could do is just exchange glances. It was clear something was stirring inside of us.

I visited her a few times at the school she was staying and our bond grew.

The exact dates and how it all unfolded is a little foggy given this was over 20 years ago, but eventually she had to leave to go back home. It was at the airport I realized just how intense whatever it was we were forming was.

The part I remember most is our embrace against a pillar in the middle of the airport. I still remember the old man observing it all. I was so enraptured with simply holding her he felt it too.

For minutes on end we just held each other and smiled. No kiss. Nothing. Just an embrace that lasted to infinity...

We held on as long as we could and then our first kiss naturally came.

It was a beautiful moment even for a non-emotional guy like me.

We stayed in communication after that and made arrangements to meet in Toronto. There, we hung out, watched a movie, had dinner and even made love.

The next day we went shopping until the afternoon making our way to that moment declaring our love at the gas station.

That was that.

Until the picture.

Suddenly,  I wondered if she knew just how much of an impact she had on me. How it was unfortunate things ended the way they did. Maybe I just want to have the chance to say it.

She's probably married with children now. Probably happy too.

I wouldn't want it any other way.

Still. I can but wonder....

Huh. It's funny. That cafe has long since closed. How's that for a curtain closing?

For L.C.

******

She always did remind me of Judy Garland:

The Handle Bars

After sitting through watching movies at Claudio's into the wee hours of the morning, I think 2 in the morning is considered 'wee hours', me and David got on our bikes and headed home.

It was quiet. Of course. Most people were asleep. Streets tend to exist in silence when we're not busy stomping, spitting, driving, and running on them. It was also warm. Naturally. It was July. I expect it to be so. Unlike January which can be unfairly and brutally cold.

As we rode along barely speaking, I heard the gentle, almost hypnotic sway of trees that blessed our suburban residential neighbourspot. You call it a neighborhood, but I choose neighborspot.

We were just too tired to talk.

We were approaching Ronnie's house.

I was thinking of her all night. Who am I kidding? She was permanently tattooed in my mind.

And now another day was coming to a close - well, technically it was a new day - without seeing her. My heart always stopped passing by her house. It's about all I had really. I was in love with her and she was in love with me but we weren't dating for some reason.

Or maybe we were and I just didn't realize it.

I could be slow that way.

As we approached her house, the deafening peacefulness of our ride was interrupted by the sound of a 'blump' and then shattering glass and then witnessed a car speed down Nick's street. Our friend Nicky wisely left much earlier in the night. By the time we reached her house her father was already in the streets in his sleep attire looking around angrily at something. Ronnie was not far behind.

I melted when I saw her. She was in a long t-shirt and was tying her hair up in a pony tail half tired.

But I saw the twinkle in her eye as she walked straight to me and began gently holding the handle bars. This shared moment of sheer, genuine adoration was soon shattered.

When her father, completely oblivious of the fireworks between me and Ronnie, spotted us he shouted, 'you wait here. I'm calling the police!'

Despite David's stupid looking smirk of disbelief that had me cracking up, we obeyed not by his command but because we were confused. We didn't even realize he was accusing us of a crime. We looked around and saw that someone had thrown a rock through the window of his car.

'Oh, pa' Ronnie said. 'They're alright. I go to school with them' as she continued to play with the handles on the bike while looking into me.

This immediately settled her father down.

As the grogginess slowly wore off, our Magnum P.I. senses were coming to us and we realized that was the sound we heard and we quickly realized the culprit or culprits was or were likely in the car that screeched past us.

We relayed this information to the father who asked if remember anything from the make of the car and for a description of who was driving it. Unfortunately, it happened so fast we were not able to provide any meaningful information.

Soon after we left. Within seconds David asked, 'what just happened?'

I replied, reflecting on Ronnie and the handle bars, 'I don't know.'

Dream Talk

A dream.

This is how I see you. Talk to you. Many years on since we were together and all that's left are these dreams of you.

If I remember right - we never quite can remember the details of our dreams - we were talking at a party. It felt natural and fluid with little or no awkwardness; which I thought strange. Shouldn't I be nervous? After all, it's only been 28 years.

28 years. Time is running amok.

Nonetheless, in that precious dream moment - how long are dreams anyway? - it felt like a splendid eternity. Like that time we met behind in the Junior high alley arranged by our friends. I asked you out and you said yes.

Your husband suddenly appeared and all went silent. I forgot to ask where you lived.

It was an unforced error for I knew once I awoke we would again be lost to reality.

My only real image of you.

A dream.

Sweet Thing

If I had to pinpoint exactly where Alex's wandering spirit kicked in it was right around the time he and Emily stopped whatever it was they were engaged in.

I put it that way because they were just a couple of immature kids who didn't rally know how to emote their affection for one another.

I guess, now that I think about it, he never really got over it. So, and it's just my theory, he took to his motorcycle and just, well, rode on and did his thing. He coped.



No one really questioned it since everyone pretty much knew Alex had a free spirit edge to him. But I knew another side of him. And if anyone would have nurtured it, it was Emily.

Alas, it was not meant to be. Whatever that means.

How exactly did it end? Rather innocuously as far as I can remember. He accompanied her to her school prom and she his. Right after, and I mean literally the next day, communication stopped.

Just like that. He couldn't - and still can't - remember anything about those days soon after. Unless she told a friend and this friend steps forward with some revelations he never will know.

I still remember the look on his face when he saw her pull up in a car headed to the ATM machine...with her boyfriend.

The only other time Alex's face changed color was at his surprise 16th birthday me and the guys gave him. I invited Emily even though I think at the time they weren't an item. If memory serves me right he was upset with her because she just wasn't sending him any sign. I apologized for taking an executive order but rather than be upset he thanked me.

Within minutes they were slow dancing.

Running back to my car, I made light of Emily's boyfriend, even poking fun of him. Alex laughed. So all was well looked like. He was moving, you know, on.

Alas, I didn't know how much pain he really was in because he never expressed it. I took it at face value because Alex didn't generally keep things away from me. Goes to show how we all carry a secret or two inside. Sometimes, we just can't find a way or even the energy to talk about it.

Clearly, now I can see, he just played along.

Alex went on to live hard while Emily pretty much settled down immediately with her boyfriend. While Alex let his 20s blow past him as he explored, she started her family.

And that was that.

Many girls came into both our lives. Too numerous really. Alex, despite the contradiction of him not being too much of an outgoing person, did alright. Had he let himself loose more, he could have done way more damage. But that's when I began to see he really wasn't really into that scene.

Alex liked to keep to himself and focus on one person at a time. It's the intimate, private travails of relationships that suited him best. Even though he could wild it up with the best of us.

I don't think Alex regrets his life experiences. Nor should he. Had he stayed with Emily he wouldn't have met Marissa, Caroline, and Cathy. All girls he cherished in their own way. I think the lack of exploration would have left his restless (not to mention his ADD) soul screaming into his subconscious mind.

He wouldn't have taken his bike to much of the continent or visited Europe perhaps. His sensuous nights in Miami with a Venezuelan or an Italian in Cuba would have been figments of his imagination. Same with the utterly cute girl from Calgary. Lina I believe it was? Yeah, Lina. She really got to him.

But as luck would have it, geography was in the way. When he expressed he would move for her, she didn't want that for him and just...let him go despite her love for him.

And that was that. Again.

What could he do but soldier on? Unsatisfied minds and souls have to.



A lot of girls were hard up for Alex. Why not? As you can see, he's a good looking guy. Responsible. Loyal. Well-read. Funny as hell and a knack for entrepreneurship.

He's just hard to really get to know. He won't let anyone inside that inner-circle of his. I'm one of the lucky ones. Pure happenstance given I've known him since we were five years-old.
Truth is, I love being with the guy. I like to think he feels the same way.

Today, it's not about me and him though. I kick myself for not really understanding just how deep the Emily scar was - is.

We sat at the back of the Church silently. I have no idea what was going through his mind. When the family led the coffin out her sister look straight at an aloof, if not detached, Alex. A look of gentle shock overcame her.

After the place emptied, Alex decked out in his leather jacket and jeans like a slick - albeit clean-cut greaser from a time past,  walked to the front of the Church where a picture of Emily remained. He stood motionless for a few seconds and began walking back in deep thought. He put his arm around me and we walked out as I held back tears. Emily was a sweet girl. A mother.

A couple of days after the funeral, I bumped into the sister at a store. Hadn't seen her in 25 years or so and here I was in the middle of the aisle face to face with her. After brief chit-chat, she asked me if that was really Alex at Church. I confirmed that it was. That's when I found out a fascinating twist to this tale.

Don't I discover that Emily always loved Alex. Everyone knew but it wasn't discussed. It just...was.

Crazy.

She then asked me to follow her to her car. She opened the trunk and pulled out a box with all sorts of trinkets including a gold key chain. Story goes, it was Emily's gift to Alex on his 14th birthday only she never gave it to him out of shyness.

You see, Alex was an enormously popular and cool guy in school. By contrast, Emily was a quiet, intelligent and studious girl who stood out of the spotlight. It was a case of opposites attracting I guess. So she didn't think it was 'cool enough for Alex' and kept it.

She handed it to me to give to Alex. As she drove away, I looked into the window of the car and could see her crying but for a brief second cracked a smile as if being taken back to that day.

The easy part for me was to hand him the key chain. The harder problem I wrestled with was whether I should tell him Emily did love him all along. Does he really need to know?

After a brief personal deliberation, I decided it was only fair to Alex I tell him.

We met at the bar that night and over a pint I handed him the key chain. He grabbed it and read it. Happy Birthday, Alex. Love Emily. 1986.

He turned white and looked up at me in total confusion and disbelief. I told him about the story and he just sank back in his chair staring at the chain.

I observed his behavior to make sure he could handle the second part of the equation. I chatted him up a bit to manage his emotions. Then, as carefully as I could, I relayed the news of her love for him.

A serene smile overcame him.  It provided him with some closure.

I think he kind of knew all along.

There really isn't much left to say in this story about Alex and Emily. There was no happily ever after for them.

Yet. In some ethereal way, when I ponder it, perhaps there was.



For E.F.

**********

Walking into Fate

She just appeared. I'm not sure how she did but there she was. An angel had to have put her there just as I turned the corner. We were just kids. I remember wanting, right there, to leave the military, quit the team, anything really just to be with her. All it took were five minutes.

Now, I'm no natural romantic but I swear I could have recited any sonnet that night. She demanded engagement. Subtle and sensual temperament can overwhelm any confident kid walking the streets on a warm summer night ready to invade and conquer the world. Only it was not me rolling over anybody.

An unplanned exchange of glances was all it took. Something just locked us. Out of character I say, "Hi."

"Hi." I'll never forget the way she said it.

There was no need for complex intros. There was enough complexity within ourselves. I continued, "Where are you headed?"

The sound of her voice drove me crazy.

"I'm not sure. I'm not from around here. Any suggestions?" I look around. "Man, it's a big beautiful, cool place. I'm not sure."

She answered, "Are you trying to tell me a hip young guy like you can't point me in the right direction?"

"Sure. Follow me. There should be some live outdoor music show somewhere."

She smiled approvingly. An unstudied smile that simply pierced through me. What is going on? "I'm Alex by the way." "Nice to meet you, Alex. I'm Olivia." "Where are you from, Olivia? "Vancouver," she replied with a West coast easiness. We walked for 3 hours and stayed together until 5am. We watched the sunrise from an all night cafe.

I didn't need to kiss her. But I wanted to badly. Not to satisfy any selfish urges. To thank her for being with me. Sometimes things just happen.

Even if we don't ride into the sunset together or runaway like two tramps in a Springsteen song this girl has entered my soul forever. Nonetheless, I felt it in my bones that there's something going on here.

I Know You'll Never Be In My Arms Again

What madness telepathically speaking to you through this blog. Silly really.

But it's all I have.

However, unrealistic it may be.

There's so much I want to ask you. So much I want to learn. I want to know you again.

Every once in a while, I have a dream about you. In them, you come to life so much it stays with me for days. I just don't understand this incredible attachment I have to you. Am I incapable of letting go?

Really? Last I remember, we lost contact in 1989 soon after high school. I went on. Trips to Europe, university, partied, played sports and had numerous encounters with women both serious and not so serious. Got a job or two and became a businessman.

I went on.

Yet you persist in my mind from time to time. It may not be unique. Hell, I may be the rule for millions may experience what I feel!

The deep impact of your image is unforgettable. Maybe because you managed to enter a part of me never person ever could. Who knows?

Something's gotta give.

We sat and talked naked in a bed. In the dream. We did not make love. It was a relinquishing of our most profound thoughts for each other. It was exhilarating as it was a relieve. It was moving as it was a realization of it was not meant to be for some inexplicable reason.

I touched your breasts. Not in lust. In marvel. Of you.

We may have kissed. I'm not sure. If we did, probably, it was a true kiss whose parent was pure love.

What's crazy is you're not my type. Only this is set aside when I ponder you. I don't see physical attributes I just feel something for you on another level I can't quite articulate.

Wanna know the craziest thing of all? I asked a psychic about you. Yes, even presented her with a picture. She asserts we were just too young and that you do still think of me often.

I hope you do.

Above all. I want you to be happy.

I want you to know this.

*****

For Emilia.

Serendipitousless

I passed on going to my high school reunion. Reasons for this, I reckon, were in the multiples including not having attended my convocation in the first place. So if I couldn't be moved to show up for my diploma, I convinced myself, why would I want to see people I barely remember?

It didn't help my entire gang of friends I still hang with weren't going. Who was I going to get wasted with while whistling and hollering at women?

In a manner of speaking of course. Need not worry mother.

It was with much surprise how I happened upon perhaps the real source of my absence.

Laura.

Waiting to buy batteries and radicchio, while watching slow witted sloths move about the check out line, she came into my field of vision. My heart skipped, stopped and rebooted in about five seconds. My entire life, well the part that involved Laura, whistled by me just like that. Snap!

If there were any doubts I never really moved past her this was it. Staring down at the fucking Mars bar selling for .58 cents, I couldn't believe she could still sway me in ways I could never explain.

My objective was to play keep away, pay and walk on into the sunset. Well, it was only 2 in the afternoon but the metaphor of a sunset felt artistic. It was really a mundane afternoon. Perfect for people wallowing in banal existence.

Hey, I'm happy though.

I got these batteries, you see.

My plan fell through just as I walked out the door. Thinking I was free, I put my head up and there were her eyes; looking straight into mine.

The little hamster running the circuit board in my brain must have been comatose for I could not eke out a sound, let alone a succinct, and distinct word she could decode.

"Hello, Jack."

Thank God her hamster was working.

It took my full concentration to not hold up the bag of goods in my hands with a "I bought batteries with my allowance money" gaze.

"Hello, Laura?"

Yes. Try and fake not knowing her. Sure, that will work. What a man!

"How have you been?"

Don't say, "I have been buying batteries."

"Good!"

How do you tell someone you adored to the ends of the Andes the truth in such a sudden and soon to be short encounter? Saying, "good" is about as safe and blah as can be. It reveals, a certain lack of achievement, shall we say? It tries to deceive the person while at the same time screams, "good, except..."

Whatever. I need toilet paper.

"And you?"

"Good. It's been such a long time..."

This is where my mind wanders. "It's been such a long time since I've seen you. Not a minute goes by I don't think of you; of us. What happened?"

"I know. Too long." I reply with a smile.

It was time to stand tall. One of the principle reasons why I lost her was because of my lack of confidence. She filled me with so much self-doubt it corroded any judgement I had.

Or she could have just not liked me. I forget. Memories tend to lie.

"You weren't at the reunion. I was looking for you."

It was with those final words a bolt of courage instantly surged through my body waking the hamster up.

"Any reason why?" she asked.

"Oh, shucks. I don't know. Maybe because I spent three years in agonized pain yearning to be with you? Just guessing."

It was now her turn to be speechless. Now she knows what it's like to have a deadbeat sot of a hamster.

Nonetheless, it wasn't bon methode. "I'm sorry for springing this on you. All these pent up feelings...for all this time...I..."

"I-I didn't realize..."

"See, that's the problem with us. All these feelings but no realization of anything," I replied.

A car pulls up.

"My husband."

And just like that she was out of my life again.

For E.F.